Currently Listening Hotel Paper By Michelle Branch Goodbye To You see related

Bloodbank Donation # 16
September 8, 2006
1:10 in the afternoon
PC Planet Computer Shop, San Joaquin, Pasig City

"Goodbye to you"

Upload music at Bolt.

Hello there people, i wonder how all of you are doing, i hope that all of you are not like me right now, broken in half and very confused about what to do, this warrior has been stricken very hard, right at his chest, i felt like a vampire who had a stake in his heart and all his blood is flowing right out of it, slowly fading and slowly dying. why in the blue hell must this happen to me? i happen to have no fucking idea why, maybe i had it coming to me, or maybe it was not meant to be. what am i talking about? read along folks, let me tell you a story short and long at the same time.

do you remember the past entry i had? the one titled "only god knows why"? i mentioned back there that i was thinking of my girlfriend and i felt that our relationship was at the verge of a break up? well, guess what, we did break up. just two days ago, i never expected it to come, but i was expecting what her response is, to be completely honest, i know this will happen to me eventually, i'm just the fool who likes to dream but look at what happened to the fucking dreamer? he had a really hard fall and is now so broken, he has no idea how to pick himself up! WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!

it satrted with a simple call, i usually call her during the evening before we both go to sleep, we had a simple conversation, but i noticed that she's always not in the mood to talk with me and i feel that she's beginning to feel cold at me, then i slowly opened it up to her by asking why did she suddenly became cold at me, she replied to me this,"i don't know what i feel for you, i don't know if i still love you or not". i was thinking of some things taht would make her feel that way, i was beginning to think that she fell in love with someone else. so i asked her if she fell in love with someone else, she said "Yes". that response was the one response that i never want to hear, and is a response that would change the course of our relationship, as she said that, i slowly begin to cry.

as i was crying, she began to cry with me also, she knows she had hurt me, i mean at least she was being true to me that she did hurt me and felt bad about it, but i felt like she drove a knife at my chest, i was completely breaking down and falling apart, then i bid her a really cold goodbye to the sense that i want her to forget we met, i want her to forget i existed. then i said goodbye. right after i got off the line, i went to the darkest corner of my room and cried like there's no tomorrow and i screamed with the pillow across my mouth just so that the other people in the rooms next to mine wont hear my screams that are really full of pain, i felt it again, this excruciating pain i never wanted to feel again.

i tried to pick myself up and called one of the persons i know who will understand me and try to help me put myself back together ang shine some light down my path while doing it, my cousin, Ogel, i called him up and told him i have a situation, so i went at his house and told him of the shit im going through as of then and now, he told me that it's alright, but he told me again to think next time i'm i a relationship and lastly, the very word of wisdom that gave me some light, and the very infamous line "theres still many fish in the sea" he bid me a goodnight and those words and i can't thank him enough for that.

so what am i going to do now, i'll start off by burning some of her pictures that she gave me and those cards she sent me, because i feel like they weren't true anymore, and i'll burn that song i wrote for her as well, and i'll delete her friendster account on my friendster, so as her testimonials, then i have to change my number, i feel that all of these will help me forget her and move on, i'll just lie low on the relationship thing and pay more attention to more precious things, like my family, friends and my studies. she really hurt me so bad, but i'll keep one of her pictures and that ring she gave me, i want to live in my memory that i once loved a girl and we loved each other very much. we could continue as friends, but it's completely up to her.

right now, as im typing on these buttons and telling the whole wide world about the crap i'm going through right now, i fell a release of emotions, i feel a loosening in my heart, but one thing is, it left really hideous wounds and i know it will take time to mend, but i assure all of you,i'll be back and fully recovered and ready to kick ass once again, i need to rest my heart and emotions, i feel that im burning up until now, i'll just take it all out on playing half life with my friend Jayson, having a smoke and having a good chat with my cousin Ogel, and doing what i love the most, making music.

so, this is another chapter that has ended in my book, it was pretty short, but i tell you, it's one chapter i'll never tear off my book, i don't have any remorse on her now, nor do i have any regrets that i loved her, i still love her up until now, but the level is down to a friend, i just want this to be over and i really want to get back to my life that needs attention, and i need to pick up what's left of my heart and clean up all the blood that came out of it.

so guys,

this is my sad story for the month

and probably one of my lowest points in my life,

i have been to the bottom of every bottle,

and i have felt all the excruciating pain that a person can inflict upon me,

but every injury my heart takes and indures just makes me stronger and more powerful

ready to face another tomorrow,

with my chin up and my head held up high,

so to that girl who broke my heart,

to that girl i love,

i want her to live her life an d be happy,

i want her to reach her goals,

and i want her to find a guy who is more desreving than i,

as for me,

i'll eventually get my happy ending,

all i need is to wait for the right moment,

and i'll be getting my eternal bliss,

the one i know is "it"

i'll be just fine, pretending i'm not"

" So Long and Goodnight, So Long And Goodnight"

....._\m/.....

Currently Listening Only God Knows Why By Kid Rock see related

Bloodbank donation # 15
September 5, 2006
12:45 in the afternoon
in some computer shop nearby

" Only God Knows Why"

Upload music at Bolt.

hello again to all the people who read my work, i'm really soory if i haven't posted for so long, i'm very busy with my internship, to the fact that i only face a computer when i do research work or make cases, but let me get back to my story, for the past week, there were some things that i really didn't want to happen to the fact that i pissed me off just thinking about it, i don't know why it has to come my way or why does it have to pop out in front of me and somehow make me go all haywire, i just don't know, there were days that i'm glad that came, but there are days that i wished never came.

it all started with the day that i was absent for two days in my internships, my group mates and i were assigned at the N.I.C.U, we were going to take care of infants in that area and at the same time, be bewildered with their adorable features, i missed two day for this sick and really lame excuse, i didn't have lunch money, yeah, you're damn right, i missed on two meetings just for the fucking fact that i didn't have lunch money, lame isn't it? but do tell me, would you blame me if i'm pissed at the fact that even if my parents tried everything just to even borrow money from people they know, there was no avail. so what happened to me? i satyed a home, doing nothing and pissed at the fact, and what made me more pissed is the fact that i wasn't able to grab my patients data to make a care plan, so i just let the day pass, hoping that the next few days will be ok.

hoping that my day will be ok, but in the frickin' end, it went all shitty, heres the fact, one thing that we had on that day was a quiz on nutrition class, our professor who's beginning to get into my nerves with her saddistic ways and fake smiles and stupid methods, gave us this quiz where we have to find some words in a box with jumbled letters, and whatever came out is a probable answer to the questions on the second part fo the quiz, now guess what i got?......a 7...a fucking 7 for a grade! yeah i probably would blame myself for the reason why i failed this quiz, and i suppose it's also just that i blame myself for getting a 58.9 for a preliminary grade! i flunked my prelim, this sucked like shit, and people couldn't even figure out what the fuck is going on with me with a faint look in my face during that time, and i really was pissed for that fact that i can't find a way to get myself really good grades, and heres what made me feel more sick to my stomach......i vowed to do good in my studies to my family...and to my late grandma, i know, especially her, that she's disappointed in me and in the things that are happening to me, i failed them many times and i had disappointed them again, they only know the shity lies that i give off everyday that my studies are doing good but little do they know that i'm hanging by a thread and i don't know if i can be able to hang on for a longer time.

one day, i was all alone in a waiting shed, smoking(as usual), but i went there to think and try to recollect myself because fo what is happening, to be completely honest, i don't know what to do, and i felt like i lost the mood to study back then, i mean, would you blame me if i lost my mood to study if i can't find a way to give all my effort and if i know that even if it seems alright, my parents are having a really hard time giving me all my school needs just to be able to finish when they do not know of the shit i do each and every single day of my frickin' life! so i came to a decision and it was hard, but i had to give myself an option, if my parents will be having dificulties in putting me to school, i'll have to stop for a year to find my mood again and get a job in a call center and work for a year, when my finances are all good, to the fact that i was able to help my parents with the business and i was able to give my little sister her needs for school, i'll move to a different school and continue with my nursing course, i know i'll be delayed for a year, but what's there to loose? my dad said to me that i have my whole life ahead of me, so i could stop for a reason, but not stop for very long because i might lose my chances and waste alot of my time. suddenly, giving up was an option, i know failure ios not an option, but i think this failure, if it happened to be an option, will bring me back to success.

i was also thinking of one other thing, why is this happening to me, and to my family? i somehow would think of a reason to why this is happening, and i know there's no one to blame for the predicament that all of us are in right now, but whatever is the reason, i know that only one person know why...GOD, i know he puts this in front of us as an obstacle and i knows he's challenging all of us to put our faith in him and one another to the test, and i know that God is always there and he wil never leave me, the same thing with my grandma, but i hope he'd guide us and enlighten us to make the proper decisions and be able to get out of this shit hole of a hell that my family and i are in.

heres another thing that was gong on my head that time....my girlfriend, Lovelyn, i haven't talked with her for a long time back then and i was thinking that i might put our relationship on the verge of a break up, which i don't want to happen at all, i love her so much and the last thing i want to happen to the two of us is the two of us go separate ways, i really love her so much, words can't describe how true my feelings are for her and how much i love her, but thinking of this fact really makes me more suffocated. she is my life support and probably the reason why i'm here, if she's gone, i don't know how will i pick myself up again, and i don't know if i'll ever mend, because i had my heart torn apart many times and i had my soul fed to the wolves many times as well, the feeling is really sick and it'll really leave a scar in your mind and heart and it'll will change you forever. i really don't want that to happen, that's why i fear the fact that she might leave me.......and i fear the fact that i could get my heart ripped off my chest again.

enough about my problems, i'm beggining to get all teary eyed and all mushy, but heres an incident that made me even more mushy. during our last gig night, when i was in a small corner, camille, a friend of mine and our female vocalist went up to me and talked to me, she opened up the topic of my financial problems and me stopping just to work, so told her that i'll be fine, we found a way and i'll be moving on to the second semester, which is part true and part lie, a joke i could assume, then she said to me this, "promise me that you wont stop studying and you will finish your studies", i of course can't make a promise just like that, especially when you know that in reality, it's no holds-barred, anything goes, but anyways, i made that promise to her and to myself as well, i was touched for the fact that there are people who are concerned for you and try to pick you up in small ways and at least try to make me smile, and she did, it's because of people like her, i have a reason to smile despite of what i'm going through, people you love and hold dear to your heart, the people you call friends.

so i say goodbye to all of you for now.......

i'm going back to work....... 

as for me.....

i'll be ok..........

just as long as everything goes well.....

i'll be ok........

to all the people i love and hold so dear to my heart.....

thank you for everything........

i don't know why all of this is happening.......

but only God knows why.

"So Long And Goodnight, So Long And Goodnight

....._\m/.....

Currently Listening Head for the Door By The Exies Ugly see related

Rantdevice Entry # 1
August 6, 2006
12:40 in the afternoon
some computer shop nearby

We are all Ugly.......the reawakening of the Rantdevice

Upload music at Bolt.

i have returned to from war and war was good as hell, i have met alot of new enemies in the battlefield, and all of them fell to my knees, all of them bowed down to my mercy, war was confusing and tiring and really wears you out, but im still standing and i never will fall

but let me tell you all of an event that made me realize alot of new thing with the other warriors i am at war with and to why the rantdevice has awaken again, i had an awakening on how the people,well,.a number of people, in the class, think and do things around here.

there are some poeple in this world who somehow learn to keep their traps shut, others are as wide as a black hole, they go spit out everything that they heard or saw, to the fucking fact that they didn't even think of the damage that they will cause to that person's morale, they'll spread the news just like a pandemic and they would soon bury the person with embarrassment and kill him with mistrust, these are the monsters that go run wild in the battlefield and they don't give a shit if they hit anyone or not, they're those people who just go throw stones(big or small ones) at people and don't give a fucking care of what will happen to those people that they've just hit, to make my whole deep and gloomy explaination short,there are people you call blabbermouths, and you can't trust most of them.

why am i ranting about the shit that these mother fuckers are givng off? i'll tell you, i was one of their victims, i got hit bad, but not too bad, they just witnessed me do something disgusting and they told everybody around it, well, to come to think of it, what i did was disgusting......disgustingly human!, so what now if i did something disgusting? will the thing i did kill them? will the thing i did cause them their lives? will the fucking thing i did flunk them out of the I.N.? the answer is NO!, and what of a planetary God of theirs gave them the right to spit out what they have witnessed to other people? can't they just keep the fucking thing to themselves? can't they learn to shut the fuck up? can't they learn to stitch up their lips for once in their lives and make people live peaceful and happy lives? what the fuck is wrong with them? why were people like that born in this world? why do people like that have to come up from whatevr hell they came out of to make someone miserable? i don't see a point in whatever that mother fucker did, all i can say is that he's an extra terrestrial, and the most weird of them all, the most disgusting of them all, and of top of all that, the biggest loser i have ever met in my entire life

these mother fuckers won't stop and i know what they did is just the beginning, all i can say is that they better straighten up or i'll give them something they'll really tell everyone and the thing about that is, i'll be that saddist laughing the hell off myself in front of them! how i want to be a saddist for a day and be a devil in disguise, this would be the awakening i'll give them that i'm a monster created by satan himself to spread a disease they call HELL right at their faces!and how i wish that all these people who always want to bring innocent people donw would just die! they never give up, they never quit and they never stop at anyone who is innocent and they'll keep spreading their shit al over the place unless a devil of their own would stop them from doing so and put them back to whatever stinkhole they came out from! they better stop...or i'll make them stop! and i'll make them regret that they tried to screw me up or if they did, i'll make them suffer the sicker consequence that is in store for them...if they think they're making a statement and what they did just made them proud......they're just the biggest losers i have ever met and i have ever seen in my life.

this is the very fuel that reawaken the RantDevice, the most ruthless weapon of mass hysteria that i have ever created, it can do anything from screwing someone verbally for the pleasure of my sick and twisted ego, to black mailing someone so bad, he'll have to kill himself before i get to him. this is the monster i myself have spawned, and this monster, this abomination, this animal, this large piece of hell is the darkest side of my mind, and i write it in my own blood and i dont give off smiles to anyone, but the smiles that i am enjoying the suffering this device has brought up on the people who ever read my blog and got really offended, i bring out to this world my RantDevice, BRING OUT YOUR HELL, SHOW THEM HOW MERCILESS YOU ARE, TAKE NO PRISONERS, DESTROY THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!

"the people in this world only have two types, the ones who are decent in mind and pure in heart,....and their exact opposites,....choose very well who you are.....and you will be saved from the wrath of this device, all of us are liars,all of us are imperfect, and all of us are ugly, think before you act, shut the fuck up and save yourself from the monster that you yourself will spawn once you have unleashed your own hell, mine for an example is the hell that those mother fuckers spawned at me and this is the shit that i give off back to them, more ruthless and more merciless than what they have expected, don't cross me, cause if you did, i'll cross you your whole life"

"the monster has left the building.......hell has broken loose!"

....._\m/.....

Currently Listening Breaking the Habit By Linkin Park see related

Blood Bank Donation # 14
July 22,2006
1:07 in the afternoon
Netzone Computer Shop, Morayta, Manila

I'm Back.......................

Upload music at Bolt.

war in the medical world is in a temporary cease fire, for another enemy has appeared form the distance, a really ugly and horid monster in the form of PRELIM EXAMS! it was really ugly and horrid, and all of us received alot of wounds from it, but believe me, WE WILL NEVER BACK DOWN, WE WILL NEVER QUIT!!!!!! and we will still stand tall in front of the enemy lines, and will still stare dead in the eyes of the enemy til the enemy itself will fall apart right in front of us........ahh yes....victory......it may be far away, but it's really nearby"

about my entry last week, yes, i'm done with it now, my grandma's in her grave now, and her spirit is in all of us, like i said before, i will miss her so much, and that i have become a more powerful warrior than before, but let me tell you something, something that is not related with my grandma, but related to me and the others, a side of me that most you you don't have any idea about, the side of me that is really hideous.

if all of you people know about the way i write my entries, you can tell that i am a person full of possitve and really good traits, that's the feedback i get from the reades of my works, you may even think that i am a really good person full of everything that is good in this world, bu i say this to you, I am not the kind of person that you think I am, if you think that i am a good person, hehehehehe, IM NOT! IM THE MONSTER BENEATH YOUR BED, I'M THE CREATURE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!!!

how come i say this, why do you think i am saying this? pretty simple, it's because of a trait that i have, a personality that i possessed since i was young, that is the fact that i am so full of shit sometimes and that i am a cocky, conceited, obnoxious, big - headed, lying sack - of - shit! and i don't know how to deal with it, it's in my blood and i think i won't be able to change it no more.

you see, there are some people who take me as i am, the know that i'm completely harmless because, even though they know my true attitude, i now they'll accept me as i am, kind alike how my  girlfriend Lovelyn and my bestfriend Joyce take me, because they know me for very long time, but for those people who only know me for a meanwhile, for only a very short time, hell is going to spread out of their bodies once i see them give me that expression or shed off theat feeling that i'm unwanted in some situation or in some group or in some group, i felt that in war, it realy sucks like shit, i'm telling you,the first thing i come o them, im all good, the next thing i know is that they're dodging me!, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!! i have no idea sometimes, but i know because i can feel it, maybe even the people i really love and hold dear to me would leave me because of the way my attitude is, to be omepletely honest, i dont blame the people around me if they find me that way, thats just the way i am, im a huge asshole! and in a way i don't like it because it makes me feel really different in a negative way, and we all don't like how that feels.

to be honest to all of you, it really stinks why in all the attitudes i can have, why this negative one, would any of you feel comfortable whenever you're around people and you feel a negative aura circulate you and those people, it's a completely nasty feeling for me, and i don't want it around me, but what can i do about it right? that's what other people think of me, that's how they look at me, and that's what they think about me, i have nothing to do and i wont do anything about it, because i know that it'l end up nowhere, because i can't change myself, and i might as weel not.

i'll tell you another truth, i kinda like the fact that i'm like this, my negative attitude serves as a defense to people who try to penetrate me, for i know if they first know of my covering, my shell, they will see something really horrid and a monster who really is monstrous, but the people who knows about my heart, the people who have seen through the eyes of this monster and have seen his heart, those are real people and are real friends, because once they saw the reality that i am, i will be loved despite of the fact that i am a piece of shit. so thank god i was made like this, because if it weren't for this, i wont be having really great friends around me.

so i go back to war.......

cease fire will soon die..........

and war will begin again..........

the monster has rested and will eventually rear it's ugly head out again..........

but never wiil i have fear in my heart......

for i will stare at the enemy dead into it's eyes...........

I'LL NEVER BACK DOWN.......I'LL NEVER QUIT!!!!!!

MY TIME IS NOW!!!!!!

THE ANIMAL HAS BEEN UNLEASHED!!!!!

"So Long And Good Night, So Long And Good Night"

....._\m/...... 

Currently Listening My Immortal By Evanescence see related

Blood Bank Donation # 13
July 11, 2006
9:07 in the morning
Empson computer shop

One of my greatest griefs.........another turning point in my life

good rainy morning people!

i've come back from war...and war is totally ugly and it keeps on coming out of nowhere and it keeps on rearing its ugly head out...all the time......but you know what guys?.........I'M LOVING IT!!!!!! every part of it, from the things that'll make you puke to death tot he simple things that seem so simple yet very complex! i'm loving every moment of it and i hope it's just the beginning!

but let me share with you the very thing that made me more powerful throughout the whole war, the very thing, the very event that happened in my life that made me a more potent poison and a more powerful warrior.......

on July 10, 2006, at 8:30 am in the morning.......my grandmother died of level 4 cancer

it was a complete shock for me, although i knew of her case, but i wasn't expecting for the onset to be that quick, it really is sudden and it hit me really hard, it made me fall to my knees, i lost a very close relative, and i feel really grieved for this event.

i was going to school yesterday when my mother called from the hospital, she was asking for my brother, but all of the sudden she gave me the bad news "patay na si nanay" my grandmother died, what so sad about it is i was only able to talk to her the day before she died, i never even told her how much i am thankful for having her around and for all the support and for being one heck of a grandma, i never told her that, i think i never made her feel that way, heck i know she's blessed for having me for a grandson, but i never told her how much i loved her that day, i was already in grief of her condition, i know she'll never last long, she's slowly fading away in front of me, and the sight of witnessing my grandmother, a very close relative to me, fade away and have a really hard time go like that, i feel really sorry for missing the chance to say thanks and i love you to her, it's my bad, i know, i shoul've made her feel that way back then, i'm not saying i suck as a grandson, but i feel like i didn't make her feel loved so much.

i was in the D.R. yesterday with six of my group mates, yeah, we have a sickly good time witnessing life come out of a mother's vagina, it was disgusting, it was bloody as hell, it was sickening.....AND I LOVE IT! but the thing that caught my atention is the fact that my clinical instructor and most of the staff inside the D.R. know of my grandmother's case, well i don't blame them if the news came out that fast, i mean, my aunt works in the D.R. and she is also the one who knows of my grandmother's case, it's impossible not for a news like "a patient died" spread like a pandemic in the area, everyone gave me their condolences, and i accepted too, i also told the story to my groupmates, since they already heard of it, and it was alrealdy an open topic, why not share the topic, at least it would make me feel less grieved, but thinking about the whole thing makes me feel more grieved about the fact that my grandma's up there and was down here and will never come down again. I know i'm supposed to suck it up and be a man, to be honest i am, but i love my grandma, would you blame me if all of a sudden i just break down and fall apart for the fact?,well thank goodness i didn't, and it's because of a simple thought that i have in mind up until this very moment.

I was in a point where i thought of the fact of this event happening to other people, i was in that time where i made me think really deep and really made me get up and go. My grandma was very happy every time i told my granda good news regarding my academics, and she was really happy when the time came that i have my clinical uniform on, it made her proud and really happy, and she knows because i've done alot to get this far and it makes a parent, heck, even a grandparent, really proud, so it made me realize one thing, that i must fight harder to get my goal and reach for my dream, i want my grandma to look down from up there, look down on me and see her grandson kick ass in the field she really wants me to excell at, i want to make my grandma proud and happy, though i know she's not her to witness it all, but i know, she's everywhere at the time i am at my greatest moments, i know she'll be there when i catch my first infant, when i cut up that umbilical cord, when i do my first major operation, in all my firsts as a nurse, intern or registered nurse, i know she'll be there, and i want to make my grandma really proud of me and make her feel proud once again even she's gone, i want her to feel proud and i want her to know i really am thankful for all the support she gave me and for loving me, i'm going to miss her so much, those time we talk, the time i gave her those soothing massage whenever her back or legs or hands or arms get all tired, those times we go out and shop for some stuff and treat me lunch or a hearty snack, those time she gave me some money whenever i needed some, she reall i s one kind and lovable grandma, and i'll miss her so much.

So this simply means two things, that i'll work my ass harder, this time, not only for myself, and my parents, but for my grandma as well, and the other, which is the most important of all, i am now a more powerful raging,heaping pile of hell that will really spread havoc on the warzone, i'm going back to the battlefield, this time, i got more ammo and i got more skill, and the best of all, i am more smarter and aggressive, so all those jack asses who'll try to put me down, ya'll better not mess with me this time, if ya'll don't want the worse to come right into your faces,

so to my grandmother......

wherever you are..... i just want you to know......

i love you.....and i'll always love you with all my heart........

and i'll miss you so much............

i'll do my best at this course that i'm taking....this one's for you grandma!.......

and to those jackasses who'll try to bring me down.....

come out come out wherever you are......!

i never back down.......and i'll never quit!

MY TIME IS NOW!!!!!!!

THE ANIMAL HAS JUST BEEN UNLEASHED!!!!!!

"So Long And Good Night.....So Long And Good Night"

....._\m/.....